I just pynch a tree in the face
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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