How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
