im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
