she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She bit a glass in half.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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