Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
