I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
