I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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