did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
