i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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