I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
