I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
