saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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