He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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