I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Green mimosas i think yes
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
