you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
