i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
