she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
