im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
