Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
