No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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