he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
