it was like eating out sand paper
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
