I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
