The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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