where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
