My liver just broke up with me...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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