Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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