why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
