i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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