Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
