i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
