you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
