I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
When are your genitals available?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
