Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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