the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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