I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
