At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
