Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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