1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
