Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
