meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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