I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
