remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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