so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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