Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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