We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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