ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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