This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
