My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
