Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
