after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
