FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it's like iHOP with fire
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
